Broken

Broken by Kentauros

Right then, as promised, here’s a quick post to sum up week 13 of Freeletics. As you’ll know if you’ve been reading this blog (and if you haven’t WHY NOT?), I was ill in the middle of this week, so it’s actually ended up taking me about 12 days to complete. Still, sod it. Here’s what my crazy bastard of a coach threw at me:

Day one: Uranos (standard)

Day two: 2x Metis (strength)

Day three: 5/6 Kentauros (strength)

Day four: Iris (strength)

I managed to get the first two workouts done before I started feeling shitty, and did okay. I quite like Uranos, but I tried to pace myself a bit more this time. I really went for it on the 2K run when I did it previously, which left me really struggling about 20 burpees into the next round. It worked, I finished in 25.25 (PB, no star as usual thanks to the pull ups).

The strength version of Metis is HORRIBLE. Whoever thought it up is a properly sadistic git. Instead of the normal burpees, climbers etc, you are expected to do burpee squat jumps, froggers and high jumps. It was SERIOUSLY hard. I was absolutely dragging my arse after about ten minutes. So the time of 23.39 (PB, no star) is suitably unimpressive. No star AGAIN because although I can do each individual exercise, if I’m being completely honest, some of my high jumps were not that high.

At this point, I’m halfway through the week and everything’s looking good. Then I start coughing and spluttering and also manage to turn 40 and abuse my liver in impressively dedicated fashion. Coming back was always going to be hard, but coming back to Kentauros was like something out of a nightmare. (Can I just say at this point that this fucking computer keeps trying to correct the spelling of ‘Kentauros’ to ‘Centaurs’ and it’s driving me INSANE.)

I’ve only ever done it once, and that was back in the summer. I was flopping round the garden like some kind bloody idiot. It’s very much an outdoor routine, this one. And lucky me, I had the strength version to complete, which looks like this:

2x 20 Lunge Walk

10 High Jumps

2x 20 Burpee Deepfrogs YOU ABSOLUTE ARSEHOLE FREELETICS

10 High Jumps

Normally you would do all that six times, and I was pathetically grateful only to have to do it five times. My wife had to do a bunch of sprints, so we walked up the track at the back of our house and trained up on top of the hill. (Have I mentioned how awesome it is to have your wife doing Freeletics? Yes? Well tough shit, I will probably mention it another million times BECAUSE IT IS.)

Lunge walks. Deceptive little bastards. Every time you do them, you will start off thinking ‘these are a piece of piss, I could do them all day’. You may even feel a mild twinge of disappointment that the exercise isn’t a bit harder. Well HAHABLOODYHA YOU MASSIVE IDIOT, because about halfway through the second 20 metre stretch, it all of a sudden starts getting a bit harder. By the end of the workout, and I do not say this lightly, my arse was screaming.

And yet…

Burpee deepfrogs. Have you ever read Dante’s Inferno? Neither have I, but I’m fairly sure that the fourth circle of hell consists of a huge, horned army PT instructor forcing the legions of condemned souls to do burpee deepfrogs for eternity. I’m not kidding, burpee deepfrogs are when you think to yourself, “what the actual fuck am I doing?”.

Anyway, I did the 5/6 of Kentauros in 29 minutes, which would have put me on course for a PB if I’d had to do that final round. During the walk back down to the house, I could really feel that I’d had a tough workout. My legs and abdomen were aching badly. (Yes, ‘abdomen’. I still can’t bring myself to refer to my ‘abs’ yet, as they coyly remain hidden behind a stubborn, but admittedly loyal, layer of fat.) The real fun was to start a little later that day, and I’m still aching now, two days later. My legs, my stomach, my arse. Sorry to keep going on about my arse. But at this rate, should I be required to do so, I will be confidently cracking nuts with my bum cheeks by about May.

Something else happened after I got back. The big toe on my right foot started hurting. A lot. Sudden shooting pains that took my breath away. Quite why I had a delayed reaction I’ve no idea, but I suspect I might have a tiny fracture in there somewhere. It’s getting better (I think), but there was no way I was going to attempt to do Iris today, given that it starts with a 2K run and has about a million froggers. So I swapped it for Venus. The last time I did it, it took me over 33 minutes. So I set myself a target of trying to get under 30, which I thought might be a little bit over ambitious. It turned out not to be though, as I finished in 27.53 (PB with star!). Working through those push ups is hard, and for the first time during a workout, my arms decided they’d had enough and took an unscheduled break. Which would have been fine were it not for the fact that my head, which is largely responsible for overseeing most of what goes on when it comes to the rest of me, was sent plummeting a good eight inches into the floor. Naturally my arms were immediately forced back into service, with a serious reprimand dished out on behalf of my rather disgruntled face.

So that’s that then. I’m going to complete the week and move on, but I don’t want to bugger up my toe any more than necessary. Hopefully it’ll continue getting better, but I know from experience that it can take weeks. It seems I can do burpees without too much bother, but jumps and climbers/froggers are going to be out for a while. What a shame.

Thanks for reading. As usual I will get the right arse if there are no comments. Also, are there any women reading this? Let’s hear from you. That is an order.

Let’s finish with a bit of classic electro. As a little aside, I’ve been DJing for nearly 25 years. It occurred to me that I should record a Freeletics mix for you ungrateful wretches. So I’m going to do that. But for now, get this down your neck.

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  • Mateo

    Hey Shaun!! I’m 32 and starting week 4 of freeletics from Spain, thank you for the big laugh!! hahaha. I’m heading right now to the begining of your freeletics story.

    Keep up the good work.

    • Shaun

      Hi Mateo! Thanks for reading (and laughing)… As you’re a mere 32 years of age, you should be doing Aphrodite in under 20 minutes. Sound about right?! Haha, if I ever get close to 20 minutes it’ll be a miracle. Hope you stay with it, it’s definitely worthwhile. You can follow me on the app if you want, I’m good for the occasional clap and comment!

  • Rob

    Hello, I have bookmarked your blog. I
    know you are seeking women so feel free to call me Shirley, if you like!
    I am really a bloke called Rob and an unfit nearly forty year
    old, out of shape due to having heart failure six years ago. I too am a
    vinyl junkie and used to play out at minor raves in the nineties – all
    my gear is in storage now, shucks!! Anyway, I am on week two of my
    journey – Iris [strength] took me 2:07:34 – god damn!!

    I know what you mean about going out the house on a run and I also wonder what the feck
    people will think when they see me trundling along! I do judge other
    runners when I am out and about and often guffaw privately! When I done
    Iris I planned a route which intertwined with a route mums use to get to and fro to pick up their kids from school and was hoping to completely miss all the mums watching me, however, I hit primetime mum alert – all the Vicky Pollards were out on my route – I made a hasty diversion!!

    All the best, I am sure I will pop up here every now and again.

    • Shaun

      Hi Rob! ‘Seeking women’ – haha! Not sure my wife would be too pleased about that… I think I’ll stick with calling you Rob if that’s ok!

      Bloody hell, heart failure? I know it happens in young people but it’s still shocking to hear. Anyway, it’s bloody great that you’re out doing your thing, and bollocks to what people think. I swerved that Iris strength workout last week because of my toe. Can’t say I was too sad to miss it, either. I wouldn’t worry about how long it took because you’ll smash it next time.

      Ah, don’t get me started on raves back in the day… Lots of good memories but thinking about it makes me feel like a proper old fart!

  • Nat

    Hi Shaun, you gotta hand it to the lunge walk – and arse trembler of humungus proportions. I couldn’t sit down for 24 hours. Mind you the 2 x Hades nearly took me 24 hours!. One hour and eight minutes and 15 seconds of burpee, pull up and push up hell. Loved it really 🙂

    • Shaun

      Hello mate, sounds like you’re having fun! I feel like I’m cheating at the moment, I put a training restriction on my week because of my knackered toe and it’s more or less all pull ups and push ups. Can’t say I’m missing the burpees though. Or the lunge walk. Well maybe a little bit… Is that weird?

      • Nat

        Ha, perfectly normal. By the way you’ll notice Leatherface following you on the community. I had to adopt the disguise as the real me is even scarier! Cheers Nat

  • Shaun

    Ha, good luck with it. I considered doing it indoors but the longest run I’ve got in the house is about seven metres and I just couldn’t face trundling up and down all bloody day. Doing it on a 20m stretch seemed like it might be easier, but ‘easier’ is very much a relative concept where Kentauros is concerned!

    • Rob

      Done it in 01:24:04 !! Thought it was harder than it looked on paper! I think I will suffer tomorrow as I am feeling a bit like Mr Jelly at the moment!