Information. Information, information, information. It’s everywhere, and I do mean literally EVERYWHERE. You can even get ‘the world wide internet’ on your cordless telephone these days! Information. It’s incredible. But there is a downside. With all this ‘information’ (see above), how is it possible to discern what is useful and what is just a load of absolute horseshit? Well, that’s where I come in. I have read all of the information, and will now disseminate the useful bits. Using a method whereby all the non-appearing items of information can by disregarded (a ‘process of elimination’, if you will), you can basically take this post as containing everything you need to know.
I probably should have pointed out that it’s only about running. I’m sure you’d have picked up on that yourself eventually, but I know there are some pretty thick people that read this blog, so I’m not taking anything for granted.
But anyway, I don’t know what I’d do without the daily running tips that pour into my mind like effluent from a big pipe being illegally discharged into a lake or small stream, except the effluent is hints and tips and the lake or small stream is MY FACE. Running is a fiendishly complicated business, so I thought it would be a good idea to produce a definitive list of the do’s and don’ts. So whatever you ‘do’s’, hurry up and read this post and ‘don’ts’ forget all the useful information contained herein!
Set yourself goals
No, not football goals! You bloody idiot. I mean goals as in objectives. It’s a well known fact that for every person that remains committed to running for more than two weeks, there are at least ten people who basically just can’t be arsed to carry on with it. The reason? Well, there are several. Reasons. But the main one (probably) is that a lot of would-be runners are simply too stupid to set themselves goals (not football goals). It’s no good simply waking up one morning and deciding to go for a run. That’s just fucking mental. You need a plan/objective. Goal. (Not a football goal.) If you’re new to running, why not aim for a marathon by the end of the week? And if you can’t even achieve that, you might as well top yourself! LOL
Join a club
Not a running club, though. Can’t stress that enough. They’re full of… runners. Definitely not the kind of people you want to hang around with if you can help it. Sweaty, joyless bunch. No, best to join some other kind of club. Any kind, doesn’t matter. Hopefully you will meet a pretty lady or man, and the overwhelming sense of self disgust at your appearance will motivate you to get off your big fat arse and DO RUNNING. You won’t know until you try!
Find a running partner
Preferably one that’s really, really shit at running. That way you will get a healthy confidence boost every time you go running with them, the useless flat-footed tosser.
Eat the right foods
Scott Jurek wrote a book called ‘Eat and Run’, in which he extols the benefits of a vegan diet. But I’ve read it and it’s horseshit. I have spent years (one week) searching for the perfect fuel (food) to fuel (fuel) my running. Basically, it’s Frazzles. You can usually pick up an 8-pack at Tesco in Stratford for about a quid or something. I haven’t checked any other supermarkets, I haven’t had time. I usually munch my way through about five or six individual bags before a run, but it might be a bit less if my mouth starts to sting.
Work on your form
Running boffin heads and bio mechanic egg brains have discovered that running generally works best if you move each leg forward ONE AT A TIME. You will need to practice – it’s not as easy at it sounds. But once you’ve got the hang of it, you’ll find your personal best times come tumbling down like faulty scaffolding. (I still maintain that the scaffolding WAS faulty on the basis that I only removed ONE coupler out of idle curiosity.)
Buy the right shoes
You want something that is going to be comfortable, offer your feet the right kind of support and stand up to the elements. One word: brogues.
How many tips is that?
It’s only six.
For fuck’s sake.
Warm up and cool down
This is really important, apparently. My preferred method of warming up is to press my naked body against a hot radiator for about ten minutes prior to a run. It can be difficult at first to achieve full body contact, but with a little manoeuvring you should manage it. Also, I’ve learned from experience that leisure centre staff can get a bit sniffy about you doing it in reception, but library staff seldom say anything. Cooling down is just as important. After every run, I remove one of my socks and fill it with ice cubes. I then run the sock all over my naked body for anything up to an hour, or until all the ice has melted.
Listen to your body
Your body will tell you when you need to slow down, or if it’s time to rest up due to injury. Is your body telling you these things? No, it isn’t. You are having a psychotic episode that has caused you to lose touch with reality. You want sectioning you big mental.
Disclaimer: following any or all of these tips will likely result on injury, death, ostracism from your community and being placed on some kind of register. So don’t.