It’s 9am. I am awake. The sun is streaming in through an ineffectual Welsh curtain. I’m having trouble focusing on anything, which I put down to the fact that my eyes feel like they are actually pulsating. There is a fly buzzing around the room, the noise of which seems to make the pain in my head a thousand times worse. I badly need to empty my bladder, but I’m not sure if my legs will support me. Gradually, the hazy recollection of stumbling into bed at dawn begins to filter into my brain. This is what it means to attend a stag weekend when you’re nearly 40.
There are lots of things that are better now than they were when my parents were younger. But my God, they had the right idea when it came to stag nights. ‘Nights’, for a start. Not weekends. A night. One night. In a pub. A few pints with a few mates and your dad. Possibly an uncle or two. At some point, this changed to what we now see as the accepted norm: weekends away and a commitment to ‘getting right on it’. And so it was with this one. Okay, I am being deliberately curmudgeonly about it; I had a good time. But after a weekend of far too much alcohol (and, idiotically, cigarettes), I finally decided that enough was enough. Never again. Obviously I’m not talking about giving up drinking. That would be completely fucking insane. But for the first time, my concern about how I felt as a result of my, ahem, exertions actually outweighed the fun that I had. I knew I had a five-day Freeletics weeks coming up, and I was really kicking myself for probably setting myself back.
I returned home on the Sunday, and didn’t really up to doing any workouts until the Tuesday of that week. Here’s what the coach threw at me:
Workout 1: Uranos
Workout 2: Ares x 2
Workout 3: Hades
Workout 4: Kentauros
Workout 5: Dione
My first reaction upon seeing what Uranos consisted of was “oh fucking hell”. Here it is:
- 2K run
- 50 burpees
- 50 pull ups
- 50 climbers
- 50 push ups
- 100 jumps
WHAT THE WHAT NOW? After the weekend I’d had, my aim was just to get through it. And get though it I did, in 32:29. No star obviously because I STILL CAN’T DO PULL UPS PROPERLY. That’s really starting to get on my tits, but there we go. It was hard, and I think I really suffered because I ran the 2K pretty quickly. Doing 50 burpees after that wasn’t funny. Climbers are deceptively difficult as well. Look, the whole thing is difficult.
Onto the double Ares workout. Ares is a strength workout consisting of five rounds of the following:
- 7 pull ups
- 7 jacknives
- 2 x 40m sprint
- 60 second rest
I’m almost as hilariously shit at jacknives as I am at pull ups, so I don’t think I’ll ever get a star on this workout. But I did it first in 9:44 and fractionally better the second time in 9:32.
Workout 3 was Hades, which I completed in a PB (no star) time of 28:34. Again, BLOODY BLOODY PULL UPS.
And so, onto the Kentauros workout. Ken Taurus sounds like a 70s porn star. Kentauros is less fun in every respect. Lunge walks, high jumps and burpee frogs. Burpee frogs! What fucking arsehole invented them? Also, lunge walks. Fine for the first few steps, to the point where I was thinking “hmm, this is disappointingly easy”. That was immediately followed by another thought, which was “AAAARGH MY FUCKING LEGS”. It was only the second time in five weeks of doing the coach that I really, really wanted to give up. I was absolutely on my arse, and yet… I didn’t give up. Amazingly. I think a big part of it is the fact that once you’re halfway through a workout and already knackered and in pain, to give up just seems like a massive waste. So I finished, in a pathetic time of 47:20. I didn’t give myself a star because the high jumps just became jumps. I didn’t have enough left.
Lastly then, Dione. I quite like this one. ‘Like’ as in ‘don’t almost shit myself in fear when I think about it’. I did it quite early on (I think before I started with the coach) and remembered it as being tough but doable. I concentrated on my form and finished in a PB time of 49:16 with a star. To put that time into context, the featured athletes on the leaderboards are doing Dione in about twenty minutes. So, you know. Whatever. I’m trying.
Track of the week is Drop Bear by Pedestrian. It’s not actually out yet, but I like it so much I’ve been playing this YouTube snippet constantly since James Zabiela tweeted about it a while ago. Until next time…