Okay, I don’t mean having somebody to talk to in life generally. I do have some friends, you know. (And they are friends; the fact that almost all of them are life size cardboard cutouts of famous female actors is neither here not there.) No, I’m referring to having somebody to talk to about Freeletics. Because the thing is, you can’t really talk about it to people that don’t do it. It’s not even like the conversations I used to have with non-runners. At least everyone knows what running is, and is familiar with the concept of putting one foot in front of another a few thousand times a week in an attempt to be marginally less unfit. Pretty much nobody here in England knows what Freeletics is. So if the topic of keeping fit ever crops up, the conversation usually goes something like this:
Them: Are you still running?
Me: Sort of, but not very often. I’m doing this thing called Freeletics now.
Me: Freeletics. It’s a kind of exercise regime to get fitter and stronger without having to go to the gym. You don’t need any equipment, it’s all body weight routines and natural movement.
Them: So it’s like CrossFit then?
Me (wearily, having heard that approximately nine thousand times): Well, not really, no. Like I say, you don’t do weights. Lots of pull ups and push ups. And you can do it on your own. There’s an app. Er…
Them: An app?
Me: Yeah, you download the app and subscribe to a coaching plan. It doesn’t cost much, you just follow what the app gives you and it works.
Them: What’s it like then?
Me: It’s fucking hard. But it works.
Them: So you pay an app to tell you to do push ups? Why don’t you just do them yourself?
Me: Because it’s… Look, it’s like a proper fitness plan, it’s specific to you. It changes as you get better. And it makes you push yourself.
Them: Why don’t you just push yourself – yourself?
Me: Would you excuse me for a moment? I just need to get something. [Leaves room, returns forty seconds later carrying an axe.]
Me, brandishing an axe: You were saying?
And so it goes. A couple of weeks ago, I was on the farm track near my house doing a workout. I think it was Ares. A man drove past as I was trying to catch my breath after a sprint. He wound down his window and stopped, and said, “what are you training for?”. I said “nothing specific, just trying to get fit… You know.”. He obviously didn’t know, because he assumed I had misunderstood the question and said, “no, I mean what are you training for? Are you doing a triathlon or something?”. I had to patiently explain that I was training because – well, just because. I swear this is truth: he looked at me as if I was a deeply strange, possibly dangerous and probably insane individual. He just put the window up and drove off.
Of course, there is the social aspect of the Freeletics app. But it doesn’t really allow for much more than clapping people’s workouts and offering the odd comment. (By the way, I’m not desperate or anything BUT PLEASE FOLLOW ME IF YOU’RE ON THERE. https://www.freeletics.com/en/users/971134/feed) And unlike in Germany, Freeletics isn’t a thing over here. I was, in short, lonely. I felt like a man shipwrecked on an island, frantically doing burpees on the beach in an attempt to attract the attention of passing aeroplanes. That metaphor probably needs a bit of work.
BUT NO MORE. Because a week or two ago, my wife started the coach. And it makes a MASSIVE difference having someone else to talk to about Freeletics. And whilst I concede that for anyone else, our evening conversations would be punishingly tedious, there is something really, really great about being able to talk about the workout you did today with somebody that not only understands, but is interested.
She might read this, so I’d better say something nice about her. Well, she’s only being doing it for a couple of weeks and you already see her abs. THE COW. She’s doing incredibly well. It’s really bloody hard (duh) but she’s signed up for the year with me, and I can’t wait to see where we both are with it in twelve months time. Assuming I’m not dead.
So anyway, my advice to anyone out there reading this with nobody to talk to about Freeletics: meet an amazing woman, marry her, have a couple of kids, wait until you’re nearly forty than do it together. It’s as simple as that. Or there is another option: you can use the comments under this badly written bollocks to talk to me, or each other. Ultimately I would like to build this place into a kind of Freeletics community, but I’m not going to push it. If it doesn’t happen, that’s fine. It simply means that I’m a better person than you. I think.
Right then, last week was week 12, and this is what the Coach made me do, the utter bastard:
Day one: Artemis (standard)
Day two: Atlas (standard)
Day three: 6/10 Gaia (strength)
Day four: Atlas (standar)
Artemis, then. 50 burpees, 50 pull ups, 100 push ups, 150 squats, 50 burpees. Doable, but those 100 push ups in the middle are a killer. But I did them all, so they can just bugger off. Time was 28:48 (PB, no star).
Atlas. Bloody, bloody, bloody leg levers. I will never be able to star myself on this workout because I just can’t raise my legs 90 degrees without bending them at the knee. But whatever, Atlas starts with a 2km run, followed by 50 squats, 50 burpees, 50 climbers, 50 leg levers and 100 jumps. My first time on this was 24.38 (no star), but at the end of the week I managed 21.58 (PB, no star). It really pisses me off, not having that star. Ah well.
And the 6/10 Gaia. Again, it was the strength version and again, I think it’s the hardest workout I’ve done. Beat my previous best though: 25.06 (PB, no star).
There we are then. Another thousand and a bit words knocked off for you ungrateful bloody non-commenting WRETCHES. If i don’t get at least ten comments under this entry, I’m going to drive past each of your houses and look at them menacingly. If you don’t live in England, I will view them on Google Maps street view and look at them menacingly on the my laptop.
Right then, what music shall we finish with this week? There was an entry on the Freeletics blog about workout music. At the end of the post, they’d written something like ‘now we want to hear from you’. So I left a comment stating (correctly) that techno is required listening for Freeletics. I even posted a Black Asteroid video. Eleven days later, that comment is still awaiting moderation. Which tells me that whoever writes the Freeletics blog needs to pull their finger out of their arse and moderate comments.
Anyway. Techno. This isn’t actually techno, but it IS very nice. And certainly more than you deserve. Now bugger off.