RIGHT then. I am rolling up my sleeves (figuratively). I am cracking my knuckles like Bruce Lee before he fights Chuck Norris. I am PREPARING. Preparing to smear some more verbal effluent directly into your eyeballs. It’s been a long time. Doubtless my regular readers have deserted me, and who could blame them? ME, and in a very DIRECT and VIOLENT sense. I didn’t disappear altogether. I was merely lying dormant, like one of those beetle things you get in America. And now, the time has come for me to burst forth from the soil (?) and er, do stuff. Not sure what they do, but I have just remembered that they’re called cicadas and they aren’t beetles. I’m already getting bogged down by this analogy, so I’m just going to leave it there.
So, here we are then. On the off chance that you have read this blog before and have been wondering what happened to it, I will proffer a mercifully brief explanation. Basically I couldn’t be arsed with it. Imagine a rope, or ‘tether’, if you will. Then imagine that there is a man, an unconventionally handsome man of slightly greater than average height with a bald head and a beard, at the end of it. I was that man. I WAS AT THE END OF MY TETHER. But how did I get there?
Via several thousand burpees and Christ knows what else.
Ah, Freeletics. How you must have enjoyed kicking the absolute arse out of me for all that time. And what did we learn, in the end? Well, we learned that from an embarrasingly dreadful start, it was actually possible for an overweight farty like me whip himself into some kind of shape. Did I enjoy it? In a slightly perverse way, yes. But here’s the thing: I kept getting hurt. I have to bear a lot of the responsibility for that myself, because I am impossibly old and shit and I refuse to warm up for anything, ever.
But there was another reason. I just lost the will to do it. That might sound like an obvious thing to say, and a cop out. But I can’t explain it any better than that. Which is a shame, given that I am attempting to explain it to you by writing this post. I don’t know, I just… Lost whatever it was that motivated me to do it.
If you’ve found this place because of some of my Freeletics posts, I don’t want to put you off it. It was fucking hard work but it did me a lot of good. Due to reasons that I’ll expand on in future posts, I don’t think it is neccesarily the answer to your prayers, but it depends on what you’re trying to achieve. For me, I decided that I needed something that was a more rounded experience, something didn’t end with me going “HHUUUARRRGHFUCKINGBOLLOCKSHITAAAAAAAAAGGGtwat”. So I ended up going full circle, and started running again. Which is what this blog was about in the first place.
It’s going well. Bizarrely well, in fact. I’ve been reading a bunch of stuff and trying a lot of different things, all which I intend to bore the crap out of you with over the coming months, or however long it takes for me to get too lazy to write anything again.
I’ll be experimenting with a few different things; I may even (don’t scream) mess about with doing some video. But that is going to require either a) full reconstructive surgery on my face or b) a good looking young person to stand in for me. Neither of these things are likely to happen, so just prepare yourself for the horror. You have been warned.
A note about the website itself: it isn’t finished. I didn’t like the previous design, I wanted something a lot cleaner that looked better on a phone. Mission accomplished to an extent, although there’s a lot I want to do with this place. Some of the old posts are going to look a bit weird with the images being too small. You’re just going to have to live with it. But I thought it was better to just open it up again, write something and get the ball rolling. Because I guarantee you that if I waited until I was 100% happy with every indivudial element, it would have been another 12 months. And I’m CERTAIN that you couldn’t possibly live without this weapons-grade bullshit for another 12 months.
In terms of what I’m going to be writing about, I expect it will be a bit of a mixed bag as I desperately search for/steal ideas. It certainly won’t all be about running. I’m still doing a bit of Freeletics (translation: 100 burpees every 4/5 months), so I haven’t left that behind completely. If you’re still doing Freeletics, or if you’ve just started, I’d love to hear from you. Don’t expect any sensible or practical advice though. I’m more likely to tell you things about how not to fart when you’re doing squats. Running, eating, drinking, anything really. No doubt my raw, visceral hatred for 90% of what gets posted on the Guardian’s Running Blog will rear its head as well.
2017 has the potential to be a big year for me. It also has the potential to be a big pile of shit as well, I suppose. Be sure to check back regularly, and let me give you a tissue for that verbal effluent in your eyes.